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In this new series, a partner in a provincial firm of accountants takes a lighthearted look at the trials and tribulations of everyday tax work. 

Frustrating Phone Calls

This week I was struck by an overwhelming urge to throttle a small furry animal. The onset of this rather unsettling and very uncharacteristic compulsion could be laid firmly at the door of HMRC. I had spent the best part of a week trying to contact HMRC’s Charity, Assets and Residence section on: 0845 070 0040.
 
Several phone calls met with the usual frustrating, telecommunication chaff spewed out to deter unwelcome approaches, but masquerading as a helpful set of options: invitations to avail myself of the copious information available on the website, interwoven with irritating musical interludes and worse still, the phone continuing to ring out. I even tried an email but that obviously disappeared into a hole in the ozone layer.

Then I met with the ultimate repulse.

The lady I had previously encountered in the pre-recorded message and whose slightly breathless and husky tones reminded me of the M & S food adverts, had been replaced by a slightly less polished message that hinted at an ill-thought-out, last-minute change to procedures. A new pre-recorded message informed me in a mellifluous Merseyside accent that the number of this department had been changed and I was invited to kindly ring the new number.

I dutifully wrote the digits down and was immediately struck by a remarkable similarity to the old number. HMRC hadn’t even afforded me the opportunity for an Eric Morecambe moment;

‘They are the right digits, but not necessarily in the right order.’

The new number was identical to the old number: 0845 070 0040

A Groundhog Day moment beckoned. I rang the new, old number to be informed by the same lady with the lovely Liverpool accent that the number had been changed to…

When I recounted the exchange to my partner we both fell about laughing and immediately wondered what the magnificent Spike Milligan would have made of it had he encountered it and been writing the Goon Show at the time:

Neddie Seagoon: Hello, is that 0845 070 0040?

Eccles: Not anymore it isn’t.

Neddie Seagoon: What do you mean, not anymore?

Eccles: The number’s changed.

Neddie Seagoon: So who am I speaking to?

Eccles: The person who tells you the number’s changed.

Neddie Seagoon: Well give me the new number then.

Eccles: It’s 0845 070 0040.

Neddie Seagoon: Thank you.

He rings off and tries the new number.

Eccles: Hello.

Neddie Seagoon: It’s you again.

Eccles: Just a minute, I’ll check. (Pause) You’re right, it is me.

Neddie Seagoon: That number you gave me is the same as the old number.

Eccles: (Slight pause) You’re nobody’s fool are you?

Neddie Seagoon: No, but you obviously are!

Music and fade out.

Footnote:

I did try again a few days later on the old/new number. I finally got through to a human after several frustrating days. Without a sense of humour, madness would ensue.